pr0n
12:00 a.m.<>2003-02-13

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some time ago jodie and I decided to rent a porn dvd, just because it's something that we hardly ever do. as always, we were disappointed. we've encountered well-made, exciting porn before, but not very oftenm and this one certainly didn't fit that description; we turned it off after about twenty minutes. it wasn't just the bad acting, or the poor production quality, or the downright laughable scenarios. bottom line, it just didn't arouse us, which is not what you look for in your x-rated movies.

for me it has to do with the actors. most of the men in these movies are fairly sleazy looking, and are usually not in the best of shape. who wants to see some balding, middle aged guy with a potbelly and a hairy back having sex? and almost all of the women you see in these things have the air of people who have been down some rough roads. most are current or former addicts. most have been abused since they were children. and let's not even mention the boob jobs, the dyed hair, the face lifts, fake tans.

watching men and women like these go through listless motions of copulation is generally about as erotic as hanging out in a bus station. their bodies might be doing all the right things, but one look in their eyes shows you that they're not really enjoying what they're doing. they're actors, acting out the part of people who want each other. the fact that they're almost always terrible actors means that they're unconvincing, even when they're banging against each other.

give me reality any day. give me people who want to be sexy because they enjoy it, not because they're getting paid to. give me honesty and flaws and bodies that haven't been cosmetically altered. someone who gets aroused and isn't ashamed by that and isn't ashamed by their body and who acts on that arousal in a loving way whether alone or with another -- that's what I find most erotic. I'd rather see a fully clothed woman who decided to wear a tank top with spaghetti straps because it made her feel comfortable and desirable than see a thousand naked playboy centerfolds. I'd rather hear thirty seconds of my neighbors' passionate moaning through the walls of the apartment than sit through any number of porn movies. give me celebration. give me enjoyment. give me men and women who stretch their inhibitions. that's what I find erotic.

that's why I like diaryland so much, and other journal sites. I love browsing through the sensual thoughts, musings, memories, and fantasies that people type into their journals, because what they post here is usually true. oh, the story may not have happened exactly the way they tell it. it may never have happened at all. but it's true, because it comes from them.

who are you, really? what do you like? what turns you on? one guy whose journal I check from time to time likes to be controlled. he likes to be tied to a kitchen chair by his lover and teased until he's begging for her mercy. one young woman has never had sex before in her life, but writes about laying on her bed after school and touching herself, about the boy in her class she wants to take into her mouth.

who are you, really? what turns you on? when you're out shopping, do you ever see a guy or girl dressed a certain way, or walking a certain way, or with a certain way of smiling or rolling their shoulders back, and you find yourself blushing because you're so unexpectedly turned on? do you ever feel like you can't take your eyes off someone because every move they make is like fingertips along the base of your spine? maybe it's your good friend who doesn't like you in that way, maybe it's the cashier you see every week, maybe it's someone you meet fleetingly once, before they're gone. do you ever wonder what would happen if you just threw caution to the wind and told them to their face what you would like to do to them? do you ever think about that late at night, when you're all alone except for your unmentionable thoughts?

do you touch yourself? often? how do you do it? when I was a boy, just discovering my body and how I could make it feel, I spent an entire afternoon stark naked on my bedroom floor, thinking about the girl who lived two doors down. do you use your fingers, or do they not quite do it for you? do you worry sometimes, as your little toy hums away between your damp legs, sending wave after wave of sensation coursing through you, that the neighbors might be able to hear you? or your roomates? or your parents? do you bite your lip and grind your teeth to keep from waking up everyone else in the house?

when we're making love, jodie likes to fantasize we're being watched. her old boyfriend, or a friend of mine, hiding in the closet, watching from the corner, peeping through the window. or else it's me standing at the foot of the bed, stroking myself as I watch her being savaged by another man. do you fantasize when you make love? what do you think about? do you imagine the stranger, your best friend's girlfriend, the restraints, the silk stockings, the pirate ship, the doctor's office, the subway? or is it enough for you just to feel the moving flesh under your skin, smell your partner's arousal like a wolf, hear their whispered passion in your ear? do you let yourself go wild, surrender yourself to the blood and pheromones, hump yourself against the other person's leg, lay back with your thighs spread wide and invite the whole world to cover you like a fur?

when you come, what do you sound like? when I was in college, I dated a woman who lived in a townhouse with a male roomate. whenever her roomate's girlfriend slept over, they would inevitably make love after they said goodnight. they tried to be quiet as possible so as not to make anyone else feel uncomfortable. but although they didn't moan and groan and carry on, my girlfriend and I could always hear their heavy breathing when they climaxed, even though their room was down the hall. it would always turn me on to no end, even though my girlfriend got embarrassed whenever we heard the labored panting wafting through the house. do you breathe heavy like that when you come? or are you more vocal? if you didn't live with or next to people who would hear you, what would you sound like when you came? would you grunt? would you shriek? what do you look like when you have an orgasm? do your eyes roll up into the back of your head? do your lips curl back, baring your teeth in a snarl? do your face and throat get flushed like mine do? do your feet and thighs tense up so much that they're sore afterwards, like jodie's do? does your body give a little shudder when the climax subsides? I don't know what you look like. but I know you're beautiful when you come.

there. that's sexier than any porn flick, wouldn't you agree?

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